YES, AND IT'S RIBBED
[The Lovely Man pops some video up on the jumbotron backdropping the podium, shock and awe in full, glorious effect]
NEQQ: If only they'd have slipped into *their* stream of outtakes with the dildo one of the lame Burt Reynolds Smokey & The Bandit outtakes, I'd have had time to finish.
POPE FU: This raises an interesting point: I have rarely, if ever, seen THE COCK referred to as a "dildo." As much as I respect your intentions, Lovely Man, I think you're off the mark here. You have attempted to appeal to our COCK Love, but there is a significant disconnect between our iconography and the rhetoric of this video. "Giant rubber penis" does not always mean "dildo." I'm ready for a debate on this.
LOVELY MAN: You'll get no debate here. I was not attempting to suggest a connection to exploits-past. Rather, I was sharing an amusing video. I like any video involving women being forthright about their sexual needs.
However, if you are eager for me to invoke COCK-imagery, swing by tonight, trainwhistle. Rowrl![The Pope rewatches the video on his Blackberry...twice]
POPE FU: Upon further review, many of those dildoes have ballsacs. I'm willing to let you go on that technicality.
May 9, 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
HALLIBURTON SOLVES GLOBAL WARMING
SurvivaBalls save managers from abrupt climate change
An advanced new technology will keep corporate managers safe even when climate change makes life as we know it impossible.
"The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way," said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida. "This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate change," he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.
Most scientists believe global warming is certain to cause an accelerating onslaught of hurricanes, floods, droughts, tornadoes, etc. and that a world-destroying disaster is increasingly possible. For example, Arctic melt has slowed the Gulf Stream by 30% in just the last decade; if the Gulf Stream stops, Europe will suddenly become just as cold as Alaska. Global heat and flooding events are also increasingly possible.
In order to head off such catastrophic scenarios, scientists agree we must reduce our carbon emissions by 70% within the next few years. Doing that would seriously undermine corporate profits, however, and so a more forward-thinking solution is needed.
At today's conference, Wolf and a colleague demonstrated three SurvivaBall mockups, and described how the units will sustainably protect managers from natural or cultural disturbances of any intensity or duration. The devices - looking like huge inflatable orbs - will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts.
"It's essentially a gated community for one," said Wolf.
Dr. Northrop Goody, the head of Halliburton's Emergency Products Development Unit, showed diagrams and videos describing the SurvivaBall's many features. "Much as amoebas link up into slime molds when threatened, SurvivaBalls also fulfill a community function. After all, people need people," noted Goody as he showed an artist's rendition of numerous SurvivaBalls linking up to form a managerial aggregate with functional differentiation, metaphorically dancing through the streets of Houston, Texas.
The conference attendees peppered the duo with questions. One asked how the device would fare against terrorism, another whether the array of embedded technologies might make the unit too cumbersome; a third brought up the issue of the unit's cost feasibility. Wolf and Goody assured the audience that these problems and others were being addressed.
"The SurvivaBall builds on Halliburton's reputation as a disaster and conflict industry innovator," said Wolf. "Just as the Black Plague led to the Renaissance and the Great Deluge gave Noah a monopoly of the animals, so tomorrow's catastrophes could well lead to good - and industry must be ready to seize that good."
Goody also noted that Jean-Michel Cousteau's Ocean Futures Society was set to employ the SurvivaBall as part of its Corporate Sustenance (R) program. Another of Cousteau's CSR programs involves accepting a generous sponsorship from the Dow Chemical Corporation, whose general shareholder meeting is May 11.
Please visit http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/EPDU/ for photos, video, and text of today's presentation.
THE BACKSTOP'S QUICK HITS FOR THE WEEK THAT WAS
I hate Mondays, but inevitably, they're always better than the week that was. Cases in point:
At the least, last week proved just how much Colbert rocks. Thanks Steve.
|[Grampa strides to the podium to pass along a random fact about Mr. T]
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
[Inspired, The Finn flashes a quicklink up on the jumbotron, prompting the Wook to sigh in relief]
WOOK: About fuckin' time. To think Tori Spelling got a crack at reality rejuvenation before the T...embarrassing...
THE FINN: Seriously. I pity the network that didn't think this would fly!
[With inspiration flowing in the Hall, Lovely Man begins enacting consumate showmanship]
CONTESTANT: Dear Mr. T - I am a fully grown adult who continues to desparately crave the attention of others. In addition, I fear their reprisals so I intentionally create a persona that they are forced to either blindly accept or outright deny. This prevents me from ever having to show any real substance or character, thus insulating my fragile ego from the imagined judging of others I fear so much. Finally, in recent years I have fading from the consciousness of my peer group, and so I have been taking radical measures to regain their interest, including devaluing myself by engaging in activities that heretofor I would've considered beneath me. What should I do to correct this deep and potentially fatal character flaw?
MR. T: I don't see the problem.
THEN & NOW
[The Backstop strides to the podium, his "Nixon-mask-on-stick" in hand]:
Been seeing a lot of Nixon/Bush analogies lately. What is happening now (revolt of the generals, moderate republicans distancing themselves from Bush and the perceived intensification of MSM criticism) will turn up some nasty truths, and may result in some heads rolling, but these "investigations" will never get to the core of the true crimes of this administration. For example:
- Watergate - investigation carefully avoided the fact that Hunt led the operation to get damning pictures of him and other "hobos" taken at Dealy Plaza in 1963.
- Iran-Contra - investigation carefully skirted the main crime of the CIA's practice of drug-running to finance covert operations.
- Iraq War - investigations will never truly reveal the 9/11 story and the anthrax attack conspiracy, and the use of these events to justify the invasion.
Oh well, at least things are getting more interesting...
NO WHAMMIES......and STOP!
LADIES & GENTLEMAN - THE FAT PITCH
LOVELY MAN COMES CORRECT:
You can't serve it up and better than this -
GUYS AND BALLS
Ecki is a young man who works in a bakery in Dortmund and plays soccer on his local team. Already under pressure for playing badly, his homophobic team-members find out that he is gay and throw him off the team. With the help of his sister and a cranky former soccer star, he tries to form an all-gay football team to challenge his old team in a grudge match.
LAST MONTH IN DOUBLESPEAK
THE BACKSTOP SPEAKS:
For the record, we support the election process, we support democracy, but that doesn't mean we have to support governments that get elected as a result of democracy.
You also gotta love the ingenuity of British teens, so much better than their American suburban counterparts.
And while we're throwing links at the wall, some "leverage xenophobia" anyone?
THE ECONOMIC SCARCITY OF THE ESKIMO HAIKU or HOW I STARTED MY SUNDAY or IS THAT FOLGER'S IN YOUR CUP?
|[Rubberneck ruminates on the following declassified missive from the resident Mongollian]
i've never not made wood on too much tequila...never tried prozac. shaving the taint is easy solo...it's all about squattin' and stretchin' it...i leave you w/ that thought of me for the weekend...mmmmm hairless taint squat
[Taking a sip from his freshly stirred cup of Folgers, he unleashes what historically may go down as the first ever Eskimo-focused haiku]
[ED. NOTE: The interns are still verifying the "first ever" part]
ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 184
THE LATEST TRILOGY
THE OTHER JEW SPEAKS:
veep's bloodthirst ... dick's hard
TITAN SLIDES HOME:
CHENEY'S GOT A GUN
THE BACKSTOP SPEAKS:
So I was the last caller on the Eskin show last week before a Sixers game. I listened on the way home and the entire show was about Cheney.
In a text message poll, 65% thought he wasn't lying.
I told Eskin that it's impossible for birdshot fired from a .28 gauge "ladies gun" to penetrate a man's heart at a distance of thirty yards. You can't even kill a bird at that distance with a .28. From what I understand, it's considered inhumane to shoot a bird at that distance - it stuns them, doesn't kill them.
Hopefully, he continued to follow that lead on the next days show since the MSM has their head up their ass again.
HUMP DAY INTROSPECTION
Big Zeus Floppy-Cock
Sweet nectar flowers blossom