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LIVE, FROM THE HALLWAYS OF THE FLETCHER MEMORIAL HOME FOR INCURABLE TYRANTS

Oh Barry

GRAMPA SPEAKS:

Mr. Bonds - I have recently read that you are contemplating taking the entire year off baseball. Do you also intend to perhaps retire? You seem angry at the press for making such a big deal about the steroid controversy. Particularly, I love how you are demonizing the press, as if they are the true problem, while not owning up to the part that you and the rest of the juicers in baseball had to play in this whole affair.

Personally, I think that you are only talking of taking this half-year or year off of baseball so that the furor will die down and there won’t be such an outcry of “Junkie” when you break the home run record. Perhaps after a year you can come back and it won’t be so bad. The fact that you just had knee surgery, and deem to be slow in recovering is your excuse for missing time. You also complain about the press. You are 40 years old and don’t heal as fast as you did when you were younger.

I offer this alternative theory. You are 40 years old and you have lost your connection. The water is too hot to go out and score some more juice right now, because anyone you approached would sell your ass in a minute for a million bucks to the TV news. So, you are finding that recuperation without a king sized shot of Anadrol is taking longer than when you had enough testosterone swimming through your gills to sate a high school cheerleading squad. I think this can explain your salty ass mood lately too. Is Barry going through a little ‘roid induced depression because he can’t get a fix? Are your nuts looking like deficient cashews?

Be a man, go to Korea and get some of that crap they shoot into racehorses. You obviously don’t care about what the shit is doing to your body, you used to weigh a buck-oh-five. Get that racehorse shit, shoot yourself up and put your fucking game face on, mutherfucker.

The kids are counting on you.

March 24, 2005 in The Fletcher Memorial Hall for Incurable Tyrants | Permalink

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Comments

And Barry, I want you to know that it doesn't really bother me that you used drugs. Hell, anyone who knows me is aware that I am not THAT much of a hypocrite.

Personally, I love drugs. I think that there may have even been a time or two that I took some large quantities of steroids, once for medical reasons and once to help smooth out the transition and withdrawal from heroin. I loved the shit both times. (Though it is quite difficult for me to think of a drug that I didn't like). Problem was, for me, with the drugs and all, was that I just couldn't stop doing 'em, whatever they were.

I was addicted to MORE.

So, I decided (after many trials and travails, various bouts of addiction, one rehab, kicking the junk more times than I care to remember, getting arrested, going to jail and dying at least once that I am aware of) that perhaps I should try something different. One thing that I never did, Barry -and this is what separates the men from the Muppets- is too say, "Oh, yeah, well, um, I shot that shit in my arm, but I didn't know that it had smack in it. I just thought that flood of warmth and resulting euphoria (and itching, don't forget the itching) was from all of the Lick-A-Made that I huffed down (and lots of mosquito bites)."

You see, I don't really give a shit whether you rubbed race horse testosterone in the crack of your ass. I think you are a paid entertainer and, as such, if making your nuts shrink is the only way that you can bring home 21 million a year, then, buddy, go for it.

What I will not accept is the fact that you used this shit and then had the fucking nerve to say to me (and fuck the rest of America, because I am an addict and it is really, always, all about me) that you didn't know what you were doing. That your trainier had given you some cream and some vitamins and you suddenly became the MackDaddy home run lord (not to mention swelling up like Vince McMahon) and you didn't think something was up.

Please, Barry, just come clean. This is America. We love reformed junkies. People are still buying Aerosmith albums for Chrissakes! Charlie Sheen is the MAN!

Not only that, we're not fucking stupid either, you coward.

Posted by: Grampa | Apr 1, 2005 4:57:38 AM

"Be a man, go to Korea and get some of that crap they shoot into racehorses. You obviously don’t care about what the shit is doing to your body, you used to weigh a buck-oh-five. Get that racehorse shit, shoot yourself up and put your fucking game face on, mutherfucker."

This is not the magnum opus Grampa's comment was -- i just wanted to say that i enjoyed the paragraph above immensely.

Posted by: isabella | Apr 5, 2005 12:30:45 PM

Barry Bonds received a 1-minute standing ovation from the sellout crowd and emphatically declared "I will be back!" when introduced before the Giants' opener Tuesday.

Oh yeah, Korea, here we come.

Posted by: Grampa | Apr 5, 2005 10:29:05 PM

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