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IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME

A decade after moron's marched, His Royal Sternness latches his wagon onto our phallic bandwagon.

Fitting, wouldn't you say?

October 30, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

HUNH

Scooter

THE FINN SPEAKS:

So I've read the indictment and I'm watching Fitzgerald's press conference and I've got mixed emotions. I'm satisfied with his explanations - especially about the subpoenas to Cooper and Miller.

While Libby's being prosecuted for lying, his very lies are preventing himself and others from being prosecuted for further crimes. If the truth comes out about this case, will there be a precedent to prosecute additional crimes? Thirty years is a long time. I wonder if he'll really take the fall for this or will he sing?

I don't think Bush or Cheney will handle direct questions about this very well. We've got to hold these people accountable. You can bet the wagons will be circled even tighter now, but they've definitely got some explaining to do to the public.

I hate the media's dicklessness. They just don't get it. Their responsibility to report news takes a back seat to the Republican agenda that they're too corrupt or too dickless to stand up against. It should be the conscience of the middle, not a forum for extremists. To that end they should be reminding everyone that there's a system of checks and balances in this country. They should be holding the President's administration accountable for the sake of the people of this country. Well, not here in George Bush's America...

BTW, how apropos was it for Bush to say "I've got a job to do" before getting on a helicopter for Camp David.

October 30, 2005 in Walking Spanish | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

THEY'RE CALLED FLASHCARDS, YOU MISERABLE BASTID!

[Rubberneck the Spacepimp races towards the podium, frothing, trumpeting another successful foray into Christ for those who know his tics]

"Oh worthies, this is not only a glimpse into the world of what it takes to be a Biblethumpin' Olympian, it's also a revelation of the true power of fucking flash cards. Holmes has built a Jesusflogger of an empire on a shoebox full of index cards."

[As if on cue, the Wook passes his squeege]

October 30, 2005 in Religion | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

TEST YOUR SKILLS

[The Finn strides to the podium, PowerBook presentation in hand]

"Worthies, it's time for a testing. Gather round and notate the following - animal, vegetable, or Bush crony."

[Finishing with five correct, TeZ, declares from the floor]

"I'll see your pop quiz, Finn, and raise you in the silly captivation department!"

[Rubberneck sighs]

"Imagine - TeZ captivated by the image of a female form slamming into balls of various size. Hmmm..."

October 20, 2005 in Walking Spanish | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 182

Cockists, all hail Harlan McCraney!

October 18, 2005 in New Worthies | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

FUCKED

October 18, 2005 in Fucked | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

THIS SPEAKS TO ME

Asshole

[Rubberneck stares hard at the image, pulling forth the contents of the conversation at hand with honed precision:]

"This message is for weatherman Glenn 'Hurricane' Schwartz. Thought you could get away with it, dincha? I figgered out that it's YOU that's behind the terrerist plot to destroy Trent Lott's front porch. I'm using the powers vested in me to place you under arrest...yer an enemy of Amerruca...hello? Hello!?!"

October 18, 2005 in Rubberneckian Propaganda | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

ROUND TABLE: DRUG OF CHOICE

Believe it or Not

[The Hall’s normal discourse of socio-economic-politico fervor is pushed aside as Grampa waltzes in, hailing his lass of choice:]

GRAMPA: Thanks to my friend Jaden, I have discovered this! Gents, you really can buy anything online.

POPE FU: I remember being a kid and thinking "this show is bad."

TEZ: I loved it...especially since my father hated it.

LOVELY MAN: That episode where Ralph went in the closet into an alternate universe and got the crap beat out of him (reminds me of my wandering college days) was the scariest. I had nightmares - but I still loved the show. And hands down it had the best TV theme song of its generation.

WOOK: Hold up. I do find it interesting that anyone viewed TGAH as bad television, especially in this crew - the lead had a curly, psuedo gay doo, was incredibly inept, worked for "the man" during the day and dressed up in tights at night. C'mon Pope...if there was a more apt TLF comparison in the early 80's, I wasn't watching (A-TEAM not included).

POPE FU: Yeah, but when you're 10 years old, and the choice is between a talking Firebird, a black thug with a mohawk and a 'fro-ed blond guy who saves the world, it's really no choice at all. Plus that theme song was easily one of the lowlights of AM hit radio - I knew that even back then.

GRAMPA: You were such a no-it-all back then.

POPE FU: Real haters start early.

NECK: GAH vs. A-TEAM. Why's it gotta be an either/or with you pizzles? Unlike you, and like Our Dear Sweet Idiot, I'm a uniter, not a divider. There's room in my 80's tent for teh GREATEST AMERICAN HERO, BA Baracas, Jessy Mock of NIGHTHAWK, Butkis and Co. on BLUE THUNDER, etc...

WOOK: Since we're on topic, I'll share the first television image to pop Wookiee wood. It was that episode of BUCK RODGERS where they pick up the space midgets with telekenetic powers, one of whom spends a good portion of the episode trying to undress Erin Gray.

Uh, the close-up shot of the zipper going down on her skintight space jumper...to die for when you were 8.

LOVELY MAN: Wook, that's so fantastic - I had two seminal (thank you) pre-puberty "What the hell is happening to my winkie?" moments:

BUCK ROGERS: Erin Gray is bitten by the space vampire and tries to seduce Buck into a late night bite. Rowrl!

Seeing Firestar from SPIDER-MAN & FRIENDS for the first time on a black and white TV, and thinking she was naked (the yellow outfit spoiled that particularly wonderful confusion once I saw it on a color set).

WOOK: But back from boners, Neck, I agree totally on the BLUE THUNDER tip. So much better than AIRWOLF.

OILMAN: Well no shit - Dick Butkis and Bubba Smith or a fuckin' guy named Jan!

[End of transcript]

October 18, 2005 in Round Table | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

THIS ONE'S FOR THE KIPPUR

TEZ SPEAKS:

I take great pride in spending my Yom Kippur reading Spinoza and Paine.

Spinoza because he's the sephardic rationalist that was thrown out of his synagouge and tried to describe an understanding of what we don't understand about nature without religion (he seems to use god as a synomyn for nature).

Paine because he is my favorite founding father and a leader of the rationist (freethinker) movement - something that Jefferson and Franklin were also a part of and this country has forgotten. I also read parts of Jefferson's rationist writings about the morals of Jesus - where he took out all the supernatural references of the gospels and left the story and philosophy.

Perhaps I'll finish my day with a little prayer toward the Flying Spaghetti Monster, dreaming of what His great noodly appendage could do to me if properly lubricated.

Heathenly yours,
teZ

October 13, 2005 in Religion | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

FORWARD OF THE DAY

Uncle george

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good...and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm A BAD American.

October 11, 2005 in Forward of the Day | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack