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BREAKING NEWS

May 9, 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: EPDU@halliburtoncontracts.com
Photos: http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/EPDU/

HALLIBURTON SOLVES GLOBAL WARMING
SurvivaBalls save managers from abrupt climate change

An advanced new technology will keep corporate managers safe even when climate change makes life as we know it impossible.

"The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way," said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida. "This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate change," he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.

Most scientists believe global warming is certain to cause an accelerating onslaught of hurricanes, floods, droughts, tornadoes, etc. and that a world-destroying disaster is increasingly possible. For example, Arctic melt has slowed the Gulf Stream by 30% in just the last decade; if the Gulf Stream stops, Europe will suddenly become just as cold as Alaska. Global heat and flooding events are also increasingly possible.

In order to head off such catastrophic scenarios, scientists agree we must reduce our carbon emissions by 70% within the next few years. Doing that would seriously undermine corporate profits, however, and so a more forward-thinking solution is needed.

At today's conference, Wolf and a colleague demonstrated three SurvivaBall mockups, and described how the units will sustainably protect managers from natural or cultural disturbances of any intensity or duration. The devices - looking like huge inflatable orbs - will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts.

"It's essentially a gated community for one," said Wolf.

Dr. Northrop Goody, the head of Halliburton's Emergency Products Development Unit, showed diagrams and videos describing the SurvivaBall's many features. "Much as amoebas link up into slime molds when threatened, SurvivaBalls also fulfill a community function. After all, people need people," noted Goody as he showed an artist's rendition of numerous SurvivaBalls linking up to form a managerial aggregate with functional differentiation, metaphorically dancing through the streets of Houston, Texas.

The conference attendees peppered the duo with questions. One asked how the device would fare against terrorism, another whether the array of embedded technologies might make the unit too cumbersome; a third brought up the issue of the unit's cost feasibility. Wolf and Goody assured the audience that these problems and others were being addressed.

"The SurvivaBall builds on Halliburton's reputation as a disaster and conflict industry innovator," said Wolf. "Just as the Black Plague led to the Renaissance and the Great Deluge gave Noah a monopoly of the animals, so tomorrow's catastrophes could well lead to good - and industry must be ready to seize that good."

Goody also noted that Jean-Michel Cousteau's Ocean Futures Society was set to employ the SurvivaBall as part of its Corporate Sustenance (R) program. Another of Cousteau's CSR programs involves accepting a generous sponsorship from the Dow Chemical Corporation, whose general shareholder meeting is May 11.

Please visit http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/EPDU/ for photos, video, and text of today's presentation.

May 10, 2006 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

THE BACKSTOP'S QUICK HITS FOR THE WEEK THAT WAS

I hate Mondays, but inevitably, they're always better than the week that was. Cases in point:

Tony Snow

Tyler Drumheller

The "Unknown Americans"

Our Police State

At the least, last week proved just how much Colbert rocks. Thanks Steve.

May 8, 2006 in The Backstop | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

T

A Mohawk Without Pity [Grampa strides to the podium to pass along a random fact about Mr. T]

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their hall of stone,
Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
Twenty rings to make Mr. T look cool,
Upon them inscribed, "I pity the fool."

[Inspired, The Finn flashes a quicklink up on the jumbotron, prompting the Wook to sigh in relief]

WOOK: About fuckin' time. To think Tori Spelling got a crack at reality rejuvenation before the T...embarrassing...

THE FINN: Seriously. I pity the network that didn't think this would fly!

[With inspiration flowing in the Hall, Lovely Man begins enacting consumate showmanship]

CONTESTANT: Dear Mr. T - I am a fully grown adult who continues to desparately crave the attention of others. In addition, I fear their reprisals so I intentionally create a persona that they are forced to either blindly accept or outright deny. This prevents me from ever having to show any real substance or character, thus insulating my fragile ego from the imagined judging of others I fear so much. Finally, in recent years I have fading from the consciousness of my peer group, and so I have been taking radical measures to regain their interest, including devaluing myself by engaging in activities that heretofor I would've considered beneath me. What should I do to correct this deep and potentially fatal character flaw?

MR. T: I don't see the problem.

May 8, 2006 in Pop Culture | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack