BREAKING NEWS

May 9, 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: EPDU@halliburtoncontracts.com
Photos: http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/EPDU/

HALLIBURTON SOLVES GLOBAL WARMING
SurvivaBalls save managers from abrupt climate change

An advanced new technology will keep corporate managers safe even when climate change makes life as we know it impossible.

"The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way," said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida. "This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate change," he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.

Most scientists believe global warming is certain to cause an accelerating onslaught of hurricanes, floods, droughts, tornadoes, etc. and that a world-destroying disaster is increasingly possible. For example, Arctic melt has slowed the Gulf Stream by 30% in just the last decade; if the Gulf Stream stops, Europe will suddenly become just as cold as Alaska. Global heat and flooding events are also increasingly possible.

In order to head off such catastrophic scenarios, scientists agree we must reduce our carbon emissions by 70% within the next few years. Doing that would seriously undermine corporate profits, however, and so a more forward-thinking solution is needed.

At today's conference, Wolf and a colleague demonstrated three SurvivaBall mockups, and described how the units will sustainably protect managers from natural or cultural disturbances of any intensity or duration. The devices - looking like huge inflatable orbs - will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts.

"It's essentially a gated community for one," said Wolf.

Dr. Northrop Goody, the head of Halliburton's Emergency Products Development Unit, showed diagrams and videos describing the SurvivaBall's many features. "Much as amoebas link up into slime molds when threatened, SurvivaBalls also fulfill a community function. After all, people need people," noted Goody as he showed an artist's rendition of numerous SurvivaBalls linking up to form a managerial aggregate with functional differentiation, metaphorically dancing through the streets of Houston, Texas.

The conference attendees peppered the duo with questions. One asked how the device would fare against terrorism, another whether the array of embedded technologies might make the unit too cumbersome; a third brought up the issue of the unit's cost feasibility. Wolf and Goody assured the audience that these problems and others were being addressed.

"The SurvivaBall builds on Halliburton's reputation as a disaster and conflict industry innovator," said Wolf. "Just as the Black Plague led to the Renaissance and the Great Deluge gave Noah a monopoly of the animals, so tomorrow's catastrophes could well lead to good - and industry must be ready to seize that good."

Goody also noted that Jean-Michel Cousteau's Ocean Futures Society was set to employ the SurvivaBall as part of its Corporate Sustenance (R) program. Another of Cousteau's CSR programs involves accepting a generous sponsorship from the Dow Chemical Corporation, whose general shareholder meeting is May 11.

Please visit http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/EPDU/ for photos, video, and text of today's presentation.

May 10, 2006 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

LAST MONTH IN DOUBLESPEAK

THE BACKSTOP SPEAKS:

For the record, we support the election process, we support democracy, but that doesn't mean we have to support governments that get elected as a result of democracy.

You also gotta love the ingenuity of British teens, so much better than their American suburban counterparts.

And while we're throwing links at the wall, some "leverage xenophobia" anyone?

April 30, 2006 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

CHENEY'S GOT A GUN

Bigga! Bigga! Bigga!

THE BACKSTOP SPEAKS:

So I was the last caller on the Eskin show last week before a Sixers game. I listened on the way home and the entire show was about Cheney.

In a text message poll, 65% thought he wasn't lying.

I told Eskin that it's impossible for birdshot fired from a .28 gauge "ladies gun" to penetrate a man's heart at a distance of thirty yards. You can't even kill a bird at that distance with a .28. From what I understand, it's considered inhumane to shoot a bird at that distance - it stuns them, doesn't kill them.

Hopefully, he continued to follow that lead on the next days show since the MSM has their head up their ass again.

Stay tuned.

February 22, 2006 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

RUBBERNECK SPEAKS:

Today's entry from the "Carlin-Quote-a-Day" Calendar:

"If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of stuff you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. In any well-managed universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago."

This solidifies the fact that we should begin preparing an "IMPEACH GOD" campaign to coincide with the next general election.

December 18, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME

A decade after moron's marched, His Royal Sternness latches his wagon onto our phallic bandwagon.

Fitting, wouldn't you say?

October 30, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND ANGRY

WOOK SPEAKS:

Watching the images of devastation televised from the Gulf Coast this weekend, who amongst us wasn’t struck with feelings of both incredible sadness and loss? And in the days since, who hasn’t had anger riding shotgun as the most constant of emotions.

It seems inconceivable that a populace can gleam the gravity of the situation from watching images of fellow citizens left high and dry over a period of days, but our government cannot. I make such a statement based on the plain-as-day fact that our pearly white bureaucracy did little to nothing to bring this situation to a quick resolve.

Don’t let their talking heads fool you - you can’t improve on a situation that’s already been cemented as a horrific failure.

Take a step back for a moment to Tuesday, when millions of Americans were beginning to pledge money and services to those in need, seemingly beating our federal government to what should have been their donations; the procurement of food, manpower, buses, commodes and – perhaps greatest of all – a plan. We’re still trying to figure out what is more unimaginable - that the feds sat by and didn’t react with the same quick response because they were waiting for officials at the state level to ask for such help OR the fact that such a train of thought would make for a legitimate excuse. The devastation was evident to any schmuck with a television, and the response should have been swift and with full force. We may never know the number of lives that were lost because of this tragic lapse of bureaucracy.

God bless America.

The issue here, however, is a much larger one. In an era where energy and highway bills are loaded with more fat than the grease traps at McDonalds, where tax breaks are being doled out with little regard for big picture effects, and our armed services are spread thin, we as a nation must acknowledge that the system is breaking down. Fast. The true horror for those of us far removed from the chaos of Hurricane Katrina was that this embarrassing display of neglect was not in some foreign land, but here in America.

And a flyby in Air Force One on return from vacation is not an answer.

Maybe it’s time for our elected representatives to kill the rhetoric and just come clean with their little dirty secret, the bastard stepchild of a concept hidden away for the sake of each passing election year. Taxation is a necessity, ladies and gentlemen, and the ability to assign what is done with said taxes in a morally responsible manner is the responsibility of government. It’s what separates civility from chaos, and the lesson to be learned here is that you can only cut a corner down so far before there isn’t any paper left.

The infrastructure of the America so renowned throughout the world comes with a price tag, and with the budget to do so adequately whittled down over the last few years in order to pad the pockets of big business, we now have a face for the victims of this administration’s tax-break mentality; the oxygen-deprived grandmother on a rooftop hospital bed, the hungry baby in a crowd, the masses huddled under a shaded overpass on an apocalyptic, feces strewn stretch of American pavement.

To our elected officials, may these images serve as your inspiration to return to sensible government, one where taxation isn’t a bane, but the means to sustain a responsibly spent safety net that keeps our society from plunging into chaos. May you realize that the purpose of the National Guard is to protect American citizens on American soil – not to fight in foreign lands. And may you realize that the wave of anger that is spreading across America at how our leaders dropped the ball on this one will not soon be forgotten.

Not in my America.

September 3, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

IT'S PAT!

Jesus' Tool

RUBBERNECK SPEAKS:

C'mon....how can ya not love this guy?

If any one else called for the State Department to be nuked, or for the U.S. to start assassinating world leaders, there'd be tsk-tsking of the highest order and a public discussion of the "patriotism" of the person behind the quote. Paula Zahn would frown moralistically while showing us her "semi-hot newscaster's hint of cleavage," FoxNews would give us a screen full of talking heads denouncing this as "the typical shrill stupidity of the drug-induced liberal perspective."

But making these comments in the name of Jesus? A free pass.

Eat My 700 Club,
Neck

August 28, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW

I know it's old news, but for those of you who don't follow these things, here's some background on the Senate's Anti-Lynching Bill that passed with a midnight voice vote rather than a vote that would require Senators to go on record.  You should note the only Senators that DIDN'T co-sponsor the bill.

  • Thad Cochran (R-Miss.)
  • Kent Conrad (D-N.D.)
  • Michael Crapo (R-Id.)
  • Michael Enzi (R-Wyo.)
  • Orrin Hatch (R-Ut.)
  • Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Tx.)
  • Trent Lott (R-Miss.)
  • Gordon Smith (R-Ore.)
  • John Sununu (R-N.H.)
  • Craig Thomas (R-Wyo.)
  • George Voinovich (R-Oh.)

Cochran, Thad- (R - MS)
113 DIRKSEN SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-5054
Web Form: cochran.senate.gov/contact.htm

Conrad, Kent- (D - ND)
530 HART SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-2043
Web Form: conrad.senate.gov/webform.html

Crapo, Michael- (R - ID)
239 DIRKSEN SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-6142
Web Form: crapo.senate.gov

Enzi, Michael- (R - WY)
379A RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-3424
Web Form: enzi.senate.gov/email.htm

Hatch, Orrin- (R - UT)
104 HART SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-5251
Web Form: hatch.senate.gov/index.cfm?Fuseaction=Offices.Contact

Hutchison, Kay- (R - TX)
284 RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-5922
Web Form: hutchison.senate.gov/e-mail.htm

Lott, Trent- (R - MS)
487 RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-6253
E-mail: senatorlott@lott.senate.gov

Smith, Gordon- (R - OR)
404 RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-3753
Web Form: gsmith.senate.gov/webform.htm

Sununu, John- (R - NH)
111 RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-2841
Web Form: www.sununu.senate.gov/webform.html

Thomas, Craig- (R - WY)
307 DIRKSEN SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-6441
Web Form: thomas.senate.gov/index.cfm?FuseAction=Contact.Home

Voinovich, George- (R - OH)
524 HART SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
(202) 224-3353
Web Form: voinovich.senate.gov/

In this day and age, how can you not co-sponsor a bill that condemns lynching blacks? Was not signing just as symbolic as the legislation? You decide.

June 23, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

PROGRAMMING NOTE

Author Hunter S. Thompson's ashes will be fired by cannon across his American estate, as requested in his will. The bizarre ceremony will take place in August, after a giant cannon has been built and mounted inside a 54-feet tall sculpture of a 'Gonzo fist' - Thompson's trademark and a nod to the 'gonzo' style of journalism he invented - which itself will stand on a 100-feet high pillar. The event will be part of a ceremony to celebrate the life of the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas writer, who committed suicide at his secure compound near Aspen, Colorado, in February at the age of 67. His wife Anita says, "It's expensive, but worth every penny. I'd like to have several explosions. He loved explosions."

April 8, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

BREAKING NEWS

The Smoking Scalp

A DROOGIE REPORTS:

After months of deep discourse on the missing link, the “smoking scalp” has been procured.

Suddenly, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and we feel fine.

March 28, 2005 in Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack