The Lunatic Fringe

ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 184

'Cause let's face it...we're too lazy to have thought this up ourselves.

ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 183

And he shall be forever known as...The Backstop...

THE BACKSTOP SPEAKS:

This is what newspapers are in the business to do. We educate people, we inform them, we spark discussion. It is not only our profession, it is our obligation.

My letter to the editor:

The Inquirer claims they are in the business of educating people, informing them, sparking discussion.

Where were you when the Bush administration was manipulating intelligence and deceiving the world into supporting the invasion of Iraq?

Where were you when the first two prosecutors in the Abramoff scandal were removed from the case?

Where were you when two trillion dollars went "missing" from the Pentagon?

These should have been front page stories! The fact is, the scope of your coverage is woefully inadequate.

As far as the cartoons go, I guarantee you we will never see a cartoon image of Jesus brandishing an M-16 or using white phosphorus against civilians in Fallujah (spoofing people like General William Boykin), or one portraying the over 400-mile long wall being constructed by Israel in the same context as the Berlin Wall (which was four times smaller).

Those cartoons would inform and spark discussion as well. But we'll never see them printed in your "selectively satirical" publication. That would be offensive!

Sincerely, The Backstop

ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 182

Cockists, all hail Harlan McCraney!

ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 181

TEZ SPEAKS:

I mean, we could try to come up with something as funny and well executed as this but why bother? Venganza has already done it so well - let's simply move it forward.

I see faith healings. I see televangelism. I see a new musical genre called NoodleRock. I see fashion trends, haircuts and yellow plastic braclets. Celebrities will flee Scientology and Kabbalah to fork up some Noodle in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I see music videos. I see cereal branding. I see beat poetry. I see fusion cooking. I see websites, DVDs and yet to be manufactured forms of electronic media.

I see the future - it's what we do best.

ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 180

GRAMPA SPEAKS:

Perhaps the finest thing I have read in awhile, courtesy of the fine folks at Strip Mining for Whimsy:

And then when the executives fuck them they all get the same, "Oh my god, how could you do this?" expressions on their faces. In greek tragedy they call this anagnorisis, which John Darnielle defines as, "The moment when you realize that not only are you fucked now, you've been fucked since the very beginning."

ALL HAIL A NEW WORTHY, VOL. 179

WOOK SPEAKS:

That centric force in your midsection ain't the Viagra kicking in, gents. Rather, it's the precence of a new worthy kicking us for not torching the Cornaguration. Luckilly, she's got moxie to spare, so sing along:

"I've got big balls / and he's got big balls / and she's got big balls /
BUT WE'VE GOT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL!"