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THE NEW TRILOGY

GrampaAcid

GRAMPA SPEAKS:

4th wisdom: smoke the
moss, but don't ever oppose
that fucking golf cart

Election war cry:
Death, death to all who oppose
the big rubber COCK!

politicians scream:
"The flacid phallus of doom!
oh God! We repent."

November 23, 2004 in The Fletcher Memorial Hall for Incurable Tyrants | Permalink

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Comments

reprobate felon
working in a law office
God, what a country

Posted by: Grampa Acid | Dec 6, 2004 4:34:14 PM

First Snow on Mauna Kea

Freezing this morning
Nipply fifty-eight degrees
I'll need a T-shirt

Posted by: GrampaAcid | Dec 8, 2004 10:34:53 AM

I heard the funniest thing this morning. I was at an AA meeting to celebrate my 1-year sobriety date (I usually wouldn't go to an AA meeting, but there are no NA meetings on Sunday within 50 miles of where I live) and this old recovering alcoholic said:

Tragedy + Time = Humor.

Nice to know that things always work out.

Posted by: Grampa Acid | Dec 12, 2004 6:51:34 PM

What a coincidence...tonight I was talking to an old timer and he advised me that "if you ever have to piss while you're painting a house, and you're stuck on a ladder, just piss in the paint, it keeps it from creeping anyway."

Ahhhhh...the wisdom of the ancients.

Posted by: Tyler Durden | Dec 13, 2004 3:19:25 AM

And, as has been said before, "It is always better to drink a glass of water on somebody else's time than on your own."

And let us not forget the classic:

"No matter how much chocolate icing you put on a piece of dog shit, it will never be a wedding cake."

Posted by: Grampa Acid | Dec 13, 2004 4:20:53 AM

Is it too early to begin production on "Durden in '08" propaganda? Methinks not.

Posted by: Wook | Dec 13, 2004 1:59:42 PM

Lindsey Lohan

I can't wait 'til they find this bitch OD'd on the bathroom floor of a cheap motel in Eugene, Oregon with a straw still shoved up her nose and the decapitated body of Gary Coleman in the trunk of her car.

I say that she crashes and burns by, no later, April 2006.

Any takers?

Posted by: Grampa Acid | Dec 16, 2004 4:32:36 PM

Today being Christmas Eve I find myself in an unfamiliar situation. Granted, this is my second sober Christmas Eve, but last year I only had about 12 days clean and was still sort of withdrawing a little and definitely NOT a happy camper.

In the past, certain friends of mine (who will remain unnamed to protect the guilty) and I would drop acid, get liquored up and go shopping on Christmas Eve, as we were generally too stupid to do our shopping beforehand.

This led to sort of spectator-sport like event where I or we would drop acid and go watch other people frantically shop for their loved ones in the last five hours before their opportunity was lost forever and they fucked up yet another Christmas. By this time, I was flush from illegal activity and I usually didn't fall into this category.

Then, as things always do, it got worse. My friend didn't want to drop acid with me, he couldn't hang. Perhaps he just didn't want to hang with me, as I had evolved from Grampa into something more sinister. Looking back, I didn't want to hang with myself either, but I didn't quite realize it at the time.

Before you know it, my only concern on Christmas Eve was scoring enough smack to make it through Christmas Day without going through withdrawal (though the Puerto Ricans in my old neighborhood do work 365 in cases of emergency).

Which brings me to this year. Last Saturday I spent time at the NA Christmas Party. I made my legendary bar-b-que ribs and, best of all, I got to dress up like Santa Claus and pass out presents to all of the kids of the recovering addicts who are now my friends. These kids have seen it all, my friends, but if they were willing to suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy the moment, then I figured that I would, too.

Let me tell you what, it was the coolest fucking thing I have done in a long time. For those of you out there who know me, and can remember my views on this particular holiday, let me tell you that I can't believe how cool this whole thing was. Everybody pitched in to make sure that those kids of the less fortunate got presents, every kid got something. As I was leaving this little girl (who can whack the fuck out of a pinata, let me tell you), a three year old, beautiful half-Hawaiian, half-Samoan girl tugs on my sleeve and whispers to me, "Santa, can I see the reindeer?" My heart fucking melted. I had to get my friend Tommy (a tall Hawaiian Jimmy Snuka-looking dude) to run interference for me so that I could get away as I didn't have the heart to break the bad news to her, that the Reindeer were, in fact, a 2001 Mazda Protege.

This Christmas Eve as I sit in front of my computer a 7:20 in the morning, writing this sappy little story, I have all of my Christmas shopping done. For the first time in my life I may have spent too much money than not enough. I am in a good place and with good people. Most of all, I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a long time. Thanks out there to all of you who stood by me through those most trying of years, Merry Christmas to you all.

"Thank You Santa, you made all of this possible!"

Posted by: Grampa Acid | Dec 24, 2004 12:31:07 PM

Doctor Moreau's Not Alone

Carlin in Rehab
Bring on the Monkey Women
Let's Fuck Pineapple

http://entertainment.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=177080

Posted by: Grampa Acid | Dec 27, 2004 9:03:43 PM

I still say you are a pineapplefucker.

Posted by: Rubberneck | Dec 30, 2004 2:43:42 PM

First, let me say that the image of you in a Santa suit is slightly disturbing, but not quite as disturbing as picturing myself at the NA Christmas party, as I'm not a proper influence for the recovering. That's a cool story regardless. Granted, Christmas is over-commercialized and the masses let themselves get sucked in as usual, but it seems as though you found the Christmas spirit. I always got more of a kick out of giving than receiving on Christmas which made this Christmas the shittiest ever because I was broke and couldn't overspend like I usually do. Me and my father both started new businesses within the last 6 months, so money is tight. My wife and I didn't buy for each other, but spent what we had on our daughter so she wouldn't notice it was a financially bunk Christmas. My dad made me a gift, an aluminum name plate for my desk that he carved himself. It was the best gift he's ever gave me. He went to midnight mass (a family tradition that we both got away from for over 20 years) with me and my daughter, and my daughter fell asleep on my lap like I did when I was little. What a nice Christmas it turned out to be. Also, a business associate unexpectedly gave me awesome tickets to the Steelers-Ravens game that put the icing on the cake. But, you saw it...Christmas is really about the kids. It is a magical time for them, and I can remember the feeling. My most memorable Christmas moment was when a few years ago on Christmas eve I was driving on Indiana and it was snowing like hell. I saw this lump by the sidewalk leaning against a telephone pole by the VFW, half covered with snow. It looked like a body, so I stopped to check it out and it was an old man who was drunk off his ass. He couldn't walk anymore and had pissed himself too. I picked his drunk old ass up and put him in the car and drove him home. He lived in the retirement apartments down by Fatima school, only 2 blocks away. But, if I hadn't of found him he wouldv'e never made it, he would of froze to death. Merry fucking Christmas eh? I had never felt so humane up to that point in my life, nor ever since. That was without a doubt my greatest Christmas moment.

Posted by: Tyler Durden | Jan 3, 2005 10:10:42 AM

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